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Over the years, I’ve learned that there is one true constant in college admissions: teens will be teens. While they may look like young adults, the teenage brain is not fully developed. Decision-making, long-term planning, and self-understanding are still crystalizing during high school. Add a dose of stress and pressure into that mix, and your teen is bound to feel lost sometime during the college admission process. Here are some examples of ways teens get stuck and how you, as a parent, can help your teen get unstuck and on the road to college.
The Ostrich
When I first met Julia*, she had no idea what she wanted out of a college experience, what to look for or where to start. Despite being at the end of her junior year of high school, she had yet to take any steps to identify potential colleges. She had not even taken an SAT or ACT and only had a vague idea that she should probably take one of them sometime soon. Julia was clearly bright and capable and had a few academic subjects that she enjoyed. But she was overwhelmed and took the path of least resistance, which in this case was the path of nonaction.
When students feel overwhelmed and shut down, I try to avoid dumping too much on them at one time. Julia needed some structure, an understanding of the admission timeline, and a plan. As parents, we don’t want to become the nag. Breaking everything down into small steps can help your teen take ownership over the process. I recommend setting up a family master calendar and adding all of your teen’s important college search deadlines and dates. Make sure to include all of the possible SAT and ACT dates in your area. Identify times when college visits could fit into your family’s busy schedule. Next, make time to talk with your teen about what we call “college fit factors.” What’s going to be important to her? How far from home will she venture? If you live near any colleges, consider visiting a couple of them just so that she can start to think about college features that she likes (and does not like). Pro Tip: I love interactive tools like
Corsava Cards that help students develop clarity around what’s important to them.
The Overachiever
Most of us can say with certainty that we were not as busy and scheduled in high school as our kids are today. I meet so many teens who have little or no downtime. How can we expect them to know what they want out of a college experience if they don’t have a moment to stop to reflect on that question? I find that when students have a bit of unstructured time without the pressure of needing to be productive, they can approach the college search with a better focus and understanding. Oh yeah, and sleep is important too! Teens who don’t get enough sleep are some of the most “stuck” in many different facets of their lives.
The Ranking-Obsessed
Some students depend so heavily on rankings that they don’t stop to consider what’s really important to them. The problem with rankings is that they are driven by popularity rather than a full picture of the relative strengths of a college. Rankings also tell us nothing about college culture, academic requirements, and the type of student who thrives on that campus. Most importantly, rankings can never tell a student if a school is actually a good fit for them.
Jordan* was fixated on rankings. He wanted to study economics and could not get beyond the top ten lists he found online. By shifting his focus to include other factors that were important to him, and by discussing the type of college experience he hoped for, we slowly built a broader college list. Crucially, these schools fit his needs and priorities in areas beyond the economics major too.
If your teen is overly focused on rankings, try getting them to identify five things about a college that are most important to them. Is it a particular major or program? Is a rural college town or a big city a better fit? Are there social aspects of college that are important, such as Greek life, athletics, or the size and culture of the student community? Once those “fit factors” are considered, visit college websites and see how each school stacks up. Digging deeper should help your teen to begin thinking beyond the rankings.
The Undecided
This one is so common. So many teens seem to think that they need to be able to answer the questions: what do you want to major in? And even: what career do you want to pursue? Frankly, it’s ridiculous to expect a 17-year-old to have a life plan that they can stick to. My life has been a path with many curves and changes of direction. Aren’t most people’s? Even teens who “know” what they want to pursue often shift focus in college. And that’s OK. It's called being human.
This mindset often leads to teens feeling stuck. If they don’t have a major picked out, they don’t know how to pick a college. I use tools like
YouScience to open up discussions about majors and the world of work. Then we shift gears to discuss other factors beyond academic majors that are important in the college experience. I also suggest that students talk with adults they know and ask if they are doing what they thought they’d be doing when they were 17 years old. They will learn quickly that a college major does not automatically translate to a career most of the time.
The Perfectionist
Think about it. Deciding where to go to college is often the first big decision a teen will make. It involves a huge life transition - leaving home and settling into a new community with new people and new experiences. For many students, the pressure around making this decision and the fear of getting it “wrong” can paralyze them with indecision. Gentle and positive guidance around decision-making can help here. Like anything else in life, college will present young people with challenges, joys, disappointments, and growth opportunities. What we want is for teens to make “good” decisions, not “perfect” decisions. Talking about what college is (and is not) and helping teens set expectations are valuable exercises. Sometimes this means enlisting the help of a professional, like a psychologist, who can help a young person manage their fears and perfectionism.
The Procrastinator
Who doesn’t procrastinate at times? Some teens procrastinate to the point of missed opportunities. It’s not that they want to avoid everything; they just postpone until the last minute. Often, the desire for perfection leads teens to procrastinate on the most important tasks. The problem is that procrastination doesn’t mix well with college applications. Essays take time (at least the good ones do). Teachers need many weeks of advanced notice before any letter of recommendation is due. Applications should be submitted ahead of the deadline, not at the last minute. When students procrastinate, they can reach a point of overwhelm, which leads them to avoid the process altogether. When I work with teens, I set up tasks and due dates way ahead of deadlines. That way there’s a bit of wiggle room in case life gets in the way. Using technology for reminders can help too. I also recommend scheduling time each week that is devoted to college admission tasks, turning off all unnecessary electronic devices, and setting a timer for 20-minute chunks of focused work.
The Pushover
I see this all the time. The student is overwhelmed, and the parent takes over.
But that’s a mistake! It’s your teen who is going off to college. We want to support our kids, not do everything for them. What message does it send about our confidence in their ability to succeed if we take over at the first sign of a struggle? I encourage parents to move into the role of administrative support and guidance rather than as a primary actor.
Jessica*
was used to letting her mom do all the talking and taking charge of everything in her life. Rather than embrace the college search as her own, Jessica defaulted to letting her mom run the show. As a result, Jessica struggled with her college essays. She had not done much thinking or reflecting about who she was, what she wanted, and how she would contribute to a college community. As I worked with Jessica, her mom backed off a bit, and slowly she began to speak for herself. It turns out that Jessica had some truly interesting and creative ideas about how to approach her college essays. It’s easy as parents to do everything for our kids. But we aren’t going to college with them, so we need to help them gradually take responsibility for their own lives. Even more importantly, we need to communicate a message of confidence in their choices and abilities.
Is your teen stuck in the college process? Does one (or more) of these roadblocks sound a little too familiar? We’d love to
hear from you about ways that you’ve supported your teen through the college admission process and if any of these suggestions have helped. And, of course, we are here with professional guidance if you need help getting your teen unstuck in the college search.
*names changed to protect identities
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